Congratulations, you’ve all caught me at a time when I feel like my life is falling apart.
I keep blaming it on the situation. Lack of sleep. Too much work. PMS. But whose menstrual cycle ever lasted a year?
My days are filled with mindless obligations- constantly rushing to class, work, work, work, rehearsals, and rushing back home to squeeze in pathetic excuses for naps. Black coffee for breakfast, cigarettes for lunch, self-pity for dinner, and the entire days’ calories for a healthy midnight snack.
I miss you. And I miss me. I got lost in you for a bit, then lost you for an ever, so it’s no wonder I can’t seem to find myself. People offer me love. Different kinds, in different ways, but love, nonetheless. They offer to listen, to deal with my bullshit. But I can’t ever seem to get rid of this relentless guilt that comes with unloading your burden onto someone else, no matter how willing they are. Partly because I don’t want anyone else to have to carry them. And partly because I don’t want to feel indebted, to any degree.
If I were to love anyone, now. You included. It’d be an “I love you for being there for me. I love you for helping me, for guiding me, saving me, making me feel less alone.” It wouldn’t be an “I love you because you’re smart, talented, beautiful, kind, courageous, funny, grounded, and real.”
I would hate for someone to love me only for what I offer them, and not for who I am. So I stay away from committing the same to others. Because as convenient as relying on someone else would be right now, I can’t. I half-ass so many things in my life, but love is not one of them.
I don’t want anyone to wait. I don’t want anyone’s pity or charity. I believe that wanting to care for someone is an expression of love, but so is having the insight not to romanticize their pain, as well as the patience and desire to watch them recover on their own.
It’s been a struggle, a conglomeration of obstacles with varying degrees of difficulty. And as defeated as I feel at this moment, I know I’m making progress. I believe it. I believe in myself. I just need you to believe in me, too. That’s all I ask, and maybe one day,
I can love you, for you,
without loving you, for me.