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To the only boy who's ever seen me naked:

Letters, HeartbreakJessie MaComment

I mean naked. Completely naked.
 

Several people have seen my body- my parents, doctors, old ladies at the sauna, exes. But this is for the one boy who’s seen my face erased of makeup, my body stripped of clothes, my heart unprotected by its once impenetrable fortress, my soul void of inhibitions. Who’s acknowledged, loved, hated, condemned, cherished, and simply, seen, me. My entirety, uncensored.

To the only boy who has sat backstage and watched my morning ritual, how exactly I transform from the just-woken mess to the product that walks out the door; who’s observed every brush of eyeshadow, each strand of hair being curled, and contributed to the deliberations of which shoes, which earrings, which version of me is best? Who has been so privileged to be the only audience in my awful private concert, belting and screeching at the top of my lungs, the way I do only when I’m in the car alone. Who has witnessed my struggle while choreographing a piece, who has never judged my artistic development, who has always noted my efforts and improvement. Who has gazed at my pen meeting paper, gawked at my mind taking over, peeping under his umbrella during my brainstorm. Whom I have never been even close to shy, in front of, or with, in front of others. Who has noticed, then studied, then tirelessly worked to abolish, my insecurities. Who knows everything I know about my identity, of the past and present. Who knows as little as I do about my future, but hopes the same hopes and dreams the same dreams and shares each thought and feeling as if they were his own. Who has been my confidant that I invested more confidence in than I did my beloved Moleskine. Whom I have placed myself on top of and released all my weight, my anger, my pain, all my anguish, who has felt each pound and ounce of my world on his shoulders. Who has held my body beheld my love. Who has kissed and caressed, teased and touched, wanted and received, every inch of my skin, the darkest corners of my mind, the pores and thoughts I had yet to discover for myself.

To the only boy who’s ever seen me completely naked.

Do you know how much it hurts to look at you and realize that, you

have shown me nothing real.

 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2012